Friday, December 28, 2012

Dear Matty: Amore

Dear Matty:
This is somewhat mortifying for someone of my former status to write, but I have nowhere else to turn. My mate doesn't thrill me anymore. There used to be so much heat and fire in our relationship, but lately, since my brood has left the nest, I'm just in the mood anymore. I keep telling myself that this should be the best time of our lives, (and they are long lives indeed, one might even say immortal), and yet, the ennui that has set in our bedroom would chill even Arthas's, um--codpiece if you will. Maybe it's that we of my kind are no longer relevant. We just fly around all day, brittle, cold, and annoyed. Every day it's the same thing: dead Vykrul lugging around their maces, (quite depressing), disgruntled mages doing something or another to ice and eggs, and those whelpings are brats, straight up. Just the other day they mocked me as I, well this is embarrassing to admit, knocked down a boulder with my large flank. Hey, what can I say? Sometimes a pint of Ben & Jerry's is sexier than my mate. At least they don't judge. And what is the deal with all these forsaken and gnomes hovering around? Are they expecting a show? Well I got news for them. There ain't gonna be no show. Until I can get in the mood again, until the old spark is back, I feel as frigid as Jaina being stood up. So Matty--please help. I do love my mate, even though his old dragon breath is sweeter, and he skulks around that trash in Mt. Hyjal. What can I do to rekindle the flame?

Disheartened Dragon

Dear Dissed:

In an effort to keep things anonymous, I will just say I do regonize that your race was once the terror of the skies. I too, have been anticipating a resurgence of pheramones by the Vigil, which has been Silent for far too long. I wish I was a sex therapist, but alas, am not sure I am qualified to help grease the wheels of a dragon affair; however, I shall give you advice I know the Draenei have long valued: don't overthink it. If your mate is still interested in you, which from your letter I have to assume he is, just relax. Have a cocktail or some small sheep, whatever it is dragons need, go off and destroy a small village or two, carry off screming yeti, you know - just for fun-- and see if that gets you laughing again, the best aphrodiasic of all. Now I'm not suggesting the Draenei carry off livestock to get down and funky, but they do tap into their animal instincts. (It's the hooves and horns--no matter how civilized, it always comes down to those.) Intimacy is what keeps us all paradoxically grounded and closer to heaven. If nothing seems to work, just shut your eyes and think about Thorin Oakenshield. Seems to work for some. Just saying. Not that I would know, but. Anyway. Now get out there, bite him hard on the neck, and show him how awesome you are! Get busy, girl! Those spawns ain't gonna hatch themselves!


Editor's Note: I am fairly certain there are no scourged whelpings in the game. 


  1. Scourged Whelpings exist! I have seen them...

    1. You may have gotten the last one. Grab its genetic materials and see if you can create some clones and send them to Whisperwind. Perhaps they are migratory, and have all gone to the Southern Hemisphere for the winter. I don't know. But between impossible spawn rates, and CRZ nonsense, I haven't even seen one to lose. I'm about to resort to sexy music and spraying the air with dragon musk. I'm desperate! :)

  2. I think Navi got the last Whelpling and Miniferal. I still have hope for the Baby Ape as I did actually see one get snatched up by someone.

    1. I did get a Minfernal the other day, so guess I shouldn't complain. But then what'sthe fun in that?! I actually have kind of a cute story about that one, so as soon as I disassemble Christmas, I'll get around to it. Park a lowbie in the shrubbery and say "Tut, tut, it looks like rain!" like Pooh Bear; maybe that will work?


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