Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Look out! She's gonna blow!

Mediocre. Average. Normal. These are painful, evil words to most over-achievers, perfectionists, and professionals.

I had a terrible meeting this morning. Cersei won, I acted like an ass, and lost my cool.


This is one of those spawned posts. It is not premeditated, or mentally drafted. It just bubbles up. It is about a reality check, that is more like a check-against-the-boards than a pleasant "check" mark on a friendly to-do list.

Later in the afternoon, I read Matticus' post, http://www.worldofmatticus.com/the-killer-instinct-of-healing/ and wondered, "Hmmm...do I have this killer instinct for healing? No. No I do not."

But the thing is, I wonder if I have any instincts at all. After showing my rear to my boss today, I am wondering if I have any career survival instincts at minimum. Throw me out in the wild with nothing but a Bowie knife and face paint I might fair better.  I realize I have an anger issues along with a fear of confrontation. These combined neurosis can be quite debilitating, and usually result in public embarrassment and a lot of apologizing. When the need for a confrontation occurs, (and we all know the signs: in my case, keeping a box of Kleenex in the car so when I cry on my way to work I can dry my tears, insomnia, a twitch in my right eye I have named "the One"), well, I should head it off at the pass much sooner instead of blowing my top. Call me Mount Haleakala, baby, cause I'm about to spew. What's that smellin'? It's Mount St. Helens...aka Matty.

We all work with people who lie, backstab, blame, undermine, and bully. But that's real life, right? We use Azeroth as an escape, don't we?

But the painful epiphany of late that I am a gear-junkie, and have a deep-seated phobia of nerd rage. This makes it very difficult to hunt down PUGs for raids and yet keep up my item level. I want to look great, but don't want anyone to yell at me. Kind of impossible.

Perhaps if I gave it a Matticus-level of devotion, I could achieve the gear without the yelling part.

tiny voice says: no, matty, just go, play, have fun, collect mounts and pets and don't worry about it

I was working under the delusion that if I worked really, really hard, kept organized, helped others, and did more than what I was expected to do somehow I would stay safe against...evil. But alas, some things just shake the ground under my feet, and I have no control.

The final question is, can I live with being a mediocre player? First I guess I'll have to define mediocrity for myself; never being first at anything, not being a regular part of a ten-main raid team, not getting asked to prom, getting the honorable mention, or never having enough: gold, achievements, whatever. Just derping along, casting spells, hitting rocks, and creating alts (and finding body bags for the serial deletionist in me, too, a Tome phrase).

But before I go outside and eat worms, I do want to mention that Xak has graciously offered to help me when he has time with the whole fear--of-raid-PUGs thing, and that gesture is greatly appreciated.

Sigh.

Those worms are looking pretty good. Will go with my crow I have to eat soon.



Theme Song: Presidents of the United States of America/Volcano

7 comments:

  1. What type of player you are is a tough thing to define and there can be an absurd number of factors that go into that. For example, I will use myself. Could I work my tail off and get into a top Raiding guild with my Priest and see all the new stuff as it happens? If I sacrificed a crap tonne, then yes I could. I do not have the time or schedule to do so. In fairness, I would rather do it in laid back fashion than with a bunch of nerdragers. I've said it time and again, I would rather have fun wiping than go "we killed Deathwing, thank the #*&$ that's over with."

    Okay, so I can't be a top raiding player. Does that make me an average or mediocre player? Some people will say yes. Some will say no. Heck, there's people right now on certain servers that think the sun doth shine from mine arse because of the wisdom I've shared in helping them out. It's perception. But above all else, it's what you think that matters.

    Are you happy with how you play the game? Can you rise to the challenges you seek out or the ones that seek you out? Do you enjoy doing so? I mean, I call myself Amateur because I'm no pro at anything, but I'm good at what I want to be good at in WoW (and it does vary). Thanks to certain people, I'm experiencing a joy in the game that was just too good to pass up a few short days ago. Let's face it, if they weren't what I consider awesome players, I likely might not be logging in these days. Take that for what it's worth.

    I understand the debate on wanting to raid and that experience. I'm optimistic I'll get to 85 so that I can raid with my Horde guild a few times before Mists comes, but time will tell. At the same time, a friend of mine really doesn't play despite signing up for a year. Why? He is a hardcore raider at heart and actually got bored.

    You really have to analyze what type of player you are by looking at things like what interests you, what you think you can attain, and what your schedule and lifestyle allow for. As for getting yelled at, I've learned that can happen in nearly any aspect of the game these days. Reason being? People suck. Sometimes the reasons are valid and other times they are not. I've learned thick skinned is the way to go. The people you're close to will work through disgruntlements or over-reactions. Others will just keep screaming no matter what you say because they're douchcanoes (sorry, that truly is my new favourite word).

    Be true to you and as long as you find what you are doing to be worthwhile or of interest, then you are a good player.

    Oh, and I didn't ask anyone to prom either. Let's faux prom in the Karazhan dance hall one night.

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  2. Who are these stupid rl effers! I want to kick their stupid rl butts! When I worked in a traditional "work environment" I showed my bosses my derriere so often they wouldn't have noticed if I showed up to work naked. Luckily it was a blue collar environment where this was considered manly and the fact that I was a woman didn't seem to matter.

    Your writing is not mediocre or average, your stories are mystical and full of clever magic that I can't wait to read. EFF THEM!

    In game, I too hate anyone harshing my mellow but I don't mind derping along in hand me downs anymore and just enjoying the view and the trip. I tired of eating those worms, I don't need anyone making me feel bad, I can do a fine job of that all by myself.

    I hope you find just the right balance to make you happy in game, because that should be our escape from rl where you can't fix having to work with stupid effing morons, they're everywhere, geez, it's like someone is breeding those suckers on purpose.

    I will be with you in spirit at work today, I'll be that little demon, just invisible and I'll be poking sticks at those stupid, stupid work people. If you see them flinch, you'll know it's me.

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  3. JD and Tome - thank you. My mellow was indeed harshed. I am loving the image of the little demon poking sticks--Lessismorra will be on my left shoulder, playing devil's advocate, whispering in my ear, "Keep cool, Matty, this too shall pass, and I've got this."

    :)

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    Replies
    1. /hugs

      May you find the calming blessings of the quiet sea, the deepest wisdom of the whispering wind, and and the budding hope hidden in the new growth of the ancient forest.

      /moar hugz

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  4. I carried your blessings with me all day, and you know what? It worked!

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  5. I am sad to think that you think any part of you is mediocre. Everything you do is full of passion and excitement and wonder and hey, remember, everyone has different flavours of ice cream. Now about your Cersei, well, she will get her just desserts. You do know that desserts is stressed spelled backwards right?

    You don't need to be like a hardcore focussed healer to be a good healer. There are plenty of good healers in 5 man dungeons! And tanks too! I read Matticus' post after you linked it and you KNOW that I hate stress and pressure in a raid. I enjoy the challenge, I enjoy the companionship, I do like people who play properly but I don't lay pressure on anyone, that's not my style, so you don't have to be all Matticus style to be successful in raiding. Not at all.

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    Replies
    1. <> thank you Navi - :)

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