You are no longer in this instance.
This past week culminated in one of those mentally-drafted posts, and then I shelved it, thinking, "Why dwell on rocky transitions and change? It's pointless."
Basically, I put in my resignation for a job I have on top of my normal job, one which I love, I am amazing at, and it has brought me huge amounts of professional joy.
Thursday morning is a regular meeting, and things have not been great in a while. Personalities have breached my inner wall, bombarding my professional senses too many times to maintain any sort of courtesy or decorum. I even shared my perspective that at least two of the three of them had lost respect for me, and were continually shooting the messenger. I didn't want to be a messenger any more; I wanted my expertise respected. (Yes, I am hearing Cartman's "Respect My Awthoritie" voice in my head now.) The moment you tell someone you believe they have lost respect for you is long past the moment when it's true.
And--the end of all this, I said, repeated again, what would be the wisest course of action. My colleagues looked at me like I had lost my mind. A (male) colleague repeated what I said, and the other (women) colleagues nodded their heads and said, "Oh, you're so right Male Colleague X!"
I had been toying with the idea of resigning from this position, and that nailed it. Composed an e-mail, and off it went. The response wasn't, of course, "Oh, no, please! No one can do this like you can! Please stay! For your years of dedication, service, and above-and-beyond duties, we need you!" It was as reality would dictate: "Sure, let's meet next week and work on the transition of your duties."
So--yeah. Xak asks if I would like to heal a normal Dragon Soul, and sure. I seriously do not know what I was thinking. I forgot to ask for Vent info, rather, just assumed it was a rag-tag bunch, and moved on. They wiped Ultra more times than I can count. They wiped on Blackthorn. Lots of apologies in chat, etc. The rogue asked if Vial of Shadows would be a good trinket for him.
And then -- the spine.
Yes, I caused the wipes--the tank went down, druid waited a long time to battle res (in my opinion), and after the third time of flying off the back, I see the ignominious "You are no longer considered worthy of our time" message.
That stung. They did not realize I wasn't in Vent, and I can just imagine the rage over my not running to a tentacle or whatever the hell I was supposed to do. I see in trade chat the raid leader advertisting for a new healer, and whispered him that I apologize for not asking for the Vent info, and he said "You wiped us three times." I then reminded him they wiped us about eight times prior to that.
Here is where I make my grand mistakes: I take responsiblity for my eff-ups. I did screw up. I should have known they would be in Vent. I should have watched the fights on YouTube. Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. I was fine with paying the almost 200 gold in repair bills for their "wipes," because that's my personality. The exchange was fine, I wished him well, and thanked him; he said, 'One Sec,' but by then, I was trying not to get emotional about it, and am really, really mad at myself. Just because there was never any mention of their missteps does not excuse mine. He may have been wondering to invite me back, he may not have been. Doesn't matter.
I should have gone for a walk, should have stopped "playing" hours ago, and should be should be should be should be doing a million different things besides have teenagers kick me for not standing in a hole. They were right to kick me.
This whole scenario is hitting way too close to real life right now. It is a reminder, one I seem to need constantly, to only take responsibility for myself.
It is naive of me to think this social game would be any different. Money is not made from easy successes, and Blizzard designs the game to be more losses than wins. I guess I wanted my colleagues to understand this, too, that we could make the differences, we can affect change, and we have more power and control than they may otherwise believe. And yet, I would still get argument and grousing.
So, if it is time for fresh horses, in real life or in game, I can tell you right now the real life ones matter. If someone else's voice and stance can make things change for the better, and I have lost my ability to do so, then I guess it is the right thing to do to find other ways to give and serve.
And time to clean out my own stables.