Sometimes the bear eats you...

If you disagree with this post go get your own blog.

Ever have one of those days? Those days you tell yourself, in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary, that you should do anything, anything, but what destiny, what fate lies before you? The fate you keep plunging toward, falling on swords, and tripping over feet? Today was one of those days I tripped over swords to fall on feet made of swords over my own feet. It was bad.

And this is one of those posts where I shouldn't write/publish based on emotions, those damn woman emotions!

Maybe if I put it in bullet points, I can be concise and logical (although is testosterone logical? It thinks it is...but it's not, not really)

• Some of the worst LFR groups I've seen in a long time while trying to get a few things
• And I don't mean one or two: I mean more than ten, on every character..
• Total meltdown on Kellda the Warlock today - and I mean epic failures of epic epiccy epicness - so much so it should be a new achievement: Make A Minion Cry - 20 points.
• My own failings at shaman healing, so much so when I told my RL I'd leave, he didn't try to talk me out of it (PS He shouldn't have: if I was holding back the group I should leave- no harm no foul in that)

Why? What happened?

Well, for starters, "managing expectations." When the RL tells the group "we all know the fight" and it's my first time doing a normal 10-man, that learning curve was too steep for me. No one else as far as I knew knew how noob I am to this. My new UI is horrible. I'm still having computer issues, and my mouse went nuts. I was awful. I dispelled at the wrong time and the priest told me "I hate you," in that smug way that only priests with midwestern drawls can, and though I told the RL I was at 60% durability, he decided to wait for me to repair. My shaman is sitting right now in the Shrine at 50%, crying her eyes out, wishing she's never dropped a totem or said how-do-you-do. Poor thing. Not to mention her human who's crying right now too. 

Being new to a group is tough. It's even tougher when expectations aren't clear: I am new. I don't know everything. Please stay near me and my totems and don't run into traffic. 

I have been seriously thinking for a while now about Azeroth. It's funny when people tell me "you want something else out of the game." To me, that's like telling me, "Oh, you want that broken down truck, and not the new Lexus, cause that's what I see you driving." 

But I just suck. And I am taking my ball and going home. I can't handle smug priests or cute warlocks anymore. Guess sometimes the bear does indeed eat us. Hope I tasted good. Roast draenei on a stick.

I need a /hug

Poke it with a stick, by way of rebuttal.

 The first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club. Oh wait. Wrong. The first rule of art club is you critique the work, not the artist.

This repeating voice in my head (no, not the one that keeps telling me to get air put in the tires or check on the dryer), no, that other one that kept asking why I printed Xak’s essay, and all I kept, and keep, coming back to is public service announcement. 

Yes, admittedly, perhaps I wanted to know what it was like to stir up trouble, discussion, throw some paint on the wall, etc. It's true. But from what I have seen in recent blogging/Twitter scuffles, it is when someone criticizes the creator personally, and not their work or deeds, that halts any responsible conversation. This is a conversation, not an “I know the answers” moment, because I do not.

What do I really want? I want young women to go in to any situation with eyes wide open.

I want them to know the Xaks are out there.

And I want them to know I'm out there, too.

Recently I sat through training on Digital Citizenship. One of the minor points that was not explored thoroughly enough or explained enough was the concept that as adolescents, many find on-line social communities/games a place to try on ‘new identities.’ They're trying things on, roles or gender identities they cannot explore in the real world.

I was thinking back to the critical importance of early childhood play. Many educational trends are leaning toward, and have started, doing standardized testing in kindergarten. Yes, little Timmy, if you can’t tie your shoes or say your alphabet you have to go back to…um. The hours of just ‘playing’ have been diminished in schools. There are no longer dress-up boxes, or play kitchens, and the time to build forts has been banished from early childhood education. (I can’t make this stuff up.) Okay, so let’s say that kids still can find a cardboard box and some spoons and a pot to bang them on, and old discarded prom dresses (one of my personal favorites), and still get to play dress-up. The pre-digital, usual coming-of-age journey allowed all the same awkwardness, bullying, humiliation, and growth, but with one key difference of this generation: we didn’t have a virtual world to experience all these same sublime and terrifying judgments and harassment of others. One of Xak’s points is about anonymity—and this is where we have lost our way. 

Our Azeorthian lives are all about dress-up, role playing, and make-believe. And it's damn fun. I would suggest that, however, our levels of mental and emotional health provide with sturdy springboards by which to jump into our virtual worlds, and back out again. When we can't find our way back out, out of the virtual worlds, is when we are in critical danger. I am concerned that there is a generation who may not know how to get back out. And while I'm busy carving a ladder in the sinkhole, there are some dangerous characters down in Wonderland. And no, the on-line predators and creeps are horrible, but most folks are getting pretty savvy about them. What we're not so savvy about are the folks who continue to push with powerful bullying tools. Bullies know the weak spots. They know girls are sensitive about weight. They know guys are sensitive about their virility. They know the political hot-buttons to push in troll chat. They were the kids who were pushing down the Lego castles and dumping out the finger paints while you and I were playing tag or house.

And before I go on: Men aren’t so perfect, either. The other day on visual thesaurus was the word ‘philanderer.’  Nuff said.

Words like “racism, bigotry, misogyny, and sexism” are sometimes misused. In the case of Xak’s point-of-view, I am not qualified to analyze his own pathologies. He is a friend of mine, but as I am sure you would all agree, you don't want to be guilty by association with all thoughts and opinions of everyone you know. We all have the racist guildmate, the bossy one, or the clueless one. 

Let me explain: On Facebook and even Twitter, I have contacts with many people. Most of those on Twitter are in a professional, entertaining, or Azerothian context. I like to know what they have to say in 140 characters. I don't agree with everything everyone says, but it does lend itself to some interesting, concise conversations. Facebook is a whole ‘nother story. I have friends. I have some friends of friends. I have work colleagues. I have relatives. I have close family. I have really close family. The other day I posted a photo and tagged the faces. A perfectly normal thing to do, but one I hadn’t done on this scale. The unintended consequence was I got comments on this photo that reached to the outer regions of the Facebook sea. I am fairly sure some of those folks do not agree with me politically, socially, or ethically on many things. Their opinions don’t affect me. But what about my uncle, whom I really love? This is where another paradox of social interactions comes to play. My uncle, I suspect, is a racist. My cousin is one, too. I think that guy over there is a jerk. And that woman over there is just plain rude. But I am not going to “unfriend” them because I don’t believe in the same politics (however misguided they are). (Xak may be many things but he hates humanity with equal disdain --not labels warranted. And he is not a racist.) No, in fact, I want to know what they have to say. I think it’s far worse to shut down discourse. Cross-dressing rogue disagrees with me on this one, and like I said, I do not have the answers: because while I think it’s bad to shut down discourse, we do need, and get to, choose our friends in Azeroth, and we do need to choose carefully.

Which brings me to the heart of this issue: There are the “Xaks” out there. There is a culture, and it steers towards the toxic. But I believe one of the key points Xak makes is for (women) players to acknowledge when they are playing a role that may be construed as less than...ladylike? That is a horrible word choice. Perhaps he is asking for players to reflect on their own part in their gaming experience? Be a bit more in control? 

I was wondering if the sentiments expressed in Xak are no more than articulated trolling. I pondered about some of the groups of (young men) who are usually between 18-32 who might even be construed as the Kings of Trolls. They have extended their dress-up time from the playground and found a venue to continue their on-line role-playing observations and entertainment.

What I wish I could teach young men and women is that as in the real world, they don’t have to put up with that shit in the virtual one. I want to teach them to reflect on their self-esteem. I know what I am talking about. I know how awkward, painful, and distressing adolescence is. I am seeking a cultural shift.

Some quick responses:

Fat/weight: This is still one area that seems to be considered all right for people to make fun of. It is a fact that in the US there is an ‘obesity epidemic’ and Michelle Obama has done what she can to get school lunches to change. Jon Stewart’s take on this on the Daily Show last night was hilarious and perfect. But I know some chubby kids, and I struggle with weight now, too. Our personal relationships with food tie into our earliest memories of nourishment and love, or lack thereof.  Ladies: watch your body image. It’s yours. Don’t let a troll be in your own mirror.

Flirty girls: This one has admittedly driven me, and my friend Kaylyne, a bit bonkers. Yes, there are girls/women, and even men who pretend, to be females to “get what they want.” And the flip side is, there are men who will treat them accordingly. Again: Public Service Announcement: if you want to play the “I got boobs” game, fine. But know what you’re doing, know why you’re doing it, and go do it somewhere else.

Women players in general: Even one of my dear friends said something that in his experience, women tend not to be ‘as good’ as men. He immediately back-peddled and brought up on of his dearest friends in game, who is one of the top players he has ever encountered, and go figure, is a woman.

Here is what I want: I don’t want people to say any longer “XYZ is a great player, and she’s a woman!” Or, “She is one of the best women players I know.” But yes, we have a long damn way to go. In an effort of full disclosure, I was the woman who was feeling guilty for admitting I liked being on a raid team without other women. Because of the limitations of time and text, I did not have a chance to explain why. There are a few reasons: first, most of my player friends are males by demographic. It seems there are more men in my age group who play than women. Second, I have really good women friends in game and outside of the game. I do get along equally well with men and women. (See the Facebook comment.) But playing with a predominately male raiding team was just the opposite of the ‘attention,’  --the reason why I found it refreshing was because they weren’t paying attention to me. They tend to dominate the Mumble mic, and I wanted no one to ever notice a mistake or oops that will lead to that stereotype of ‘women can’t play.’ I don’t want them to notice me at all. Sometimes I find the judgmental tones of both male and females players a bit much to handle. 

Ultimately, and I am dashing these thoughts off before I bolt to work, just be aware of yourself and surroundings. That is the only way to stay safe, and even then, there are no guarantees. Just trying to put the odds in favor of those who may need protection, even from themselves. If I didn't get a chance to articulate all my thoughts, my apologies. Gotta get out there and fight the good fight. This has given me a lot to do in the real world, and help some real people. 

Getting closer to Epic...

I am going to take back that coffee maker. Wish me luck.

The other evening, Monday in fact, we tried Firelands again. For some reason, two weeks in a row, some of our key raid team members haven't been logging in. Mondays* are kind of an awkward day for raiding, but Team One takes priority with their standard Tuesday/Thursday (heck, some of those raiders even go as far to construct their work schedule around raiding time--they are committed). We had a fine group together, and started a few bosses in. I was finally awarded the Gatecrasher ax from Baleroc (never too late to have a happy childhood moment) and this really cool dagger from the big bird, all flamey and 'schtuff. One of my team members had connection issues, and we almost got Ragnaros, ALMOST - so close! But it was new content for some, and it does take a while to coordinate efforts. We'll get you, Sir! WE SHALL!

Ahem, sorry.

But la-de-da, raid is over (my GM is a punctual man) he offered to me and anyone who wanted to go to "Get Matty her bear." Ah, those were sweet words, sir.

The stalwart group of heroes whom I had previously aided in getting their own bears from trolls quickly rallied, and away we went, got my bear, and off we rode into the sunset:

It has seat warmers! And a GPS system, and i-Pod dock! Woot!

Speaking of Bears, Big Bear posted another wonderful post about his, his wife's, and his son's epic adventures in playing WoW. It is awesome to see these adventures through a younger child's eyes. They describe how I felt when I first started playing, and am looking forward to again when Mists comes out. I mentioned in a comment that I have a guildmate, a very nice gentleman, who has been enjoying reading all the new information about Mists, and then sharing it on Mumble. I have asked him politely not to, but he likes to share. That's cool. I'll just start singing the Banana Split theme song in Mumble, and maybe, though the Geneva Conventions have firmly stated "Matty shall not sing in Mumble" he'll get the point. One of my pet peeves are movie trailers which use the best lines from a movie, and then when you go see it, you realize the trailer was better. I don't want that to happen in Mists. But I did consider, what if my GM wants us to have some working knowledge from the Beta? What were his goals? He told me he wanted to be surprised too, which was how Xak, my other favorite GM rolled, too. Such nice young men! Still threatening to go all Jewish mother on them and find them "nice girls." I'd like to read the Trade spam on that:

"<Mataoka> Nice Jewish-mother** type, seeking young women for two Guildmasters who bathe, have jobs, and are funny. Must be between 21-31, non-smokers, and not have daddy-issues. Must be able to put up with raiding times. Dowry negotiable."

Hmm. Maybe not.

Anyway, I'm being patient. I read snippets, because it's tough to completely stay away, and I will concede that there are some things I may want to research prior to release. But mostly I want to be surprised. The older I get the more challenging it is to stay surprised and not veer off into the "I told you so" ditch of disaster.

And with a group like my current raid team, I will go out on a limb and predict fun--they are a great group of guys, and so far, so good. Let's go get 'em, whatever or whomever "'em" turns out to be.

*I like our Monday/Wednesday arrangement.
**All mothers are Jewish mothers, Italian mothers, and any other stereotype you can come up with. You look skinny- are you eating enough? Did you brush your teeth? Don't work too hard!

Theme Song: Bear Necessities

The Latte Factor

Xak, forgive me. Please. I have no business dealing with the money stuff. Hell, I can't even handle the funny stuff.

But--this got me to thinking (and when I start thinking, it usually results in someone crying, me apologizing, and the sound of a wolf howling off in the distance...)

http://treehealsgowoosh.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/annual-pass-and-mmo-guilt/

How does a business model like Blizzard's begin to meet everyone's desires and still make a tidy profit? How do they balance the controlled time spent in-game when it's an "unwinnable" game? Well, it's obvious: create other things to do that are gold-and-time sinks, such as pet or mount collection.  And make those things seem fun, frivolous, and just ever-so-out-of-reach.

That yak is going to be 60K in game. Sixty. Effing. Kay. I have never had that much coin together on all my characters combined. I have looted over 100K over time, if I go back and check the stats, but it's never spawned in one place at one time, or even in a short time. And as one commenter said on another blog (damn, why didn't I bookmark it!) very few players have that kind of gold in game. Maybe 1%. (Sound familiar? I can see the bumper sticker now: Occupy Stormwind! It was an inside job, I am sure. And there is not a single goblin or troll in the stockades.)The financial budgeting of the gold is annoying as a pile of puppy poo--yes, it must be cleaned up, and it was an accident, but it still stinks. Don't look at me like that, with those big puppy eyes, Blizzard! No! Bad dog! Oh, okay! There's a good boy! Yes, yes you are!

The expression "the latte factor" is one of those that gets tossed out like an emotional hand grenade when well meaning but highly unimaginative financial planners inform you the obvious: those little expenses are what eat away at the big savings. "If you would only cut back your daily latte, you'd save...well, let's do the math: Latte* and Scone, with my area's sales tax rate, $5.33 x 5 days of week = 26.55 x 52 weeks/year = $1,385.80. (Sh*T!!) But I don't buy a latte and scone every week day, every week of the year. Some days I buy five. And some days none. Most of my time and money is spent on others--I have a job, but the huge percentage of my income goes towards others. That's the happy life I have created, love, and am blessed with. No regrets at all, in fact, the opposite. What those well-meaning financial planners do not take into account is that perhaps that $1300 and change is a 'happy life factor.' Meaning, it can be rationalized away, with a hickory and oak wand with a unicorn tear-shaped diamond on its tip, ta-da!

*Not a latte, but grande Americano, with two inches of extra-foamy steamed breve, no sweetener--cheaper than a latte.


But these little things do add up, and they are the opiates of the masses. As with any small "I'll just get myself this one little treat," there is a hefty amount of guilt tax to pay. Just like eating only 100 calories over what you burn off over time adds up to many stones. (One the more charming of British expressions, "stones." Sounds like what one weighs in fairy-circle mass versus being hit over the head by a hammer.)


I had Xak look over a previous post, and he created this chart for in-game addictive behaviors:

You ↓\ Yourself →	Learn things	Hate Yourself
Play again	4	0
Stop	2	1

From Xak:

I don't know if your mail reading program will let you see that or not but I built the Xak Intertemporal Model of Addiction to Prisoner Dilemma Yourself.  The model has an increasing discount rate for the strategy (Play again, Learn things) and a inverse and increase discount rate for the strategy (Stop, Learn things).  The results of this model are to value both self esteem and moderation.

So, how I read this is in 'diminishing returns.' The more time I spend in Azeroth, and the less I feel "accomplished," like I am getting somewhere or doing something cool, the less fulfilling it becomes. I feel like time-wise I have painted my tail in a big-time corner. Let's review, shall we?

The 85s:

Mataoka: recently joined a large guild with the, promise is not the right word, "expectation?" of raiding. She (yes, going in third person schizophrenia mode) is restless as a rogue drone bee. Currently on a probationary period,  I haven't (see what I did there? Channeled her back to myself) studied the fights, or even gotten a 397 agility chest piece for her. I have no idea why: maybe because I do just fine/adequate DPS in her LFR tier gear, but there has been no more progression in terms of gear, weapons, achievements, etc. This character feels very, very stalled, and kind of lost. Have been enjoying healing with her, but again, have not reconfigured any add-ons such as Healbot. Just feels kind of pointless when doing 5-mans and LFRs. Click. Sploosh. Make it rain, baby!

Luperci: Dios mio. Let's skip her.

Haanta: This could be my money-maker. I could go get dragon scales and sell them for a hefty pop each, even more than a latte. Why she just sits languishing I have no clue. Hunters are going to get a mighty boost, meaning they can shoot from where they stand, no range necessary.

Don't get me started.

Ceniza: I really love playing her character, but again, is kind of lost in Azeroth right now as far as increasing gear, skills, and other factors.

Zeptepi: Ditto. Love playing this beautiful priest, but until I manage to sit down and study the fights, the ones everyone seems and has been doing for weeks, she is benched.

Up-and-comers:
Momokawa: starting to get boring, but really fun to dress-up
Kélda: fun, but confusing, also fun to dress-up and great for solo play. So far haven't had any complaints since this pretty lock is always last place in damage/dps, but she gets the job done.
Dornaa: storyline character

I think I see what the problem is: trying to have too many characters be at a high level of play.

Hrrm....

Back to Tree's post. The guilt. The creeping, black-rot of guilt. Guilt over not doing other things, the guilt over having/trying two accounts, the guilt over tranferring characters back to one account and those resulting incurring fees, the guilt of deleting some characters, too, though they are pixels. There is absolutely that "it" factor when it comes to deleting characters, like sending them off on an ice floe to fend for themelves. And yes I know we can start characters on other servers, but damn, Whisperwind is where my money is!! Kind of like going off to college but not getting too far away from mom's washer and dryer. These are the game factors where to me, I have Bear's reaction and want to say, "I'm OUT." It's my gold, and why can't I transfer gold and goods across servers to MY characters? Yesterday I needed to get back a gem that Ceniza put on the AH for Zep, so I just went to the AH to buy it, and of course couldn't. My choices were to log off, cancel the auction, or buy a slightly cheaper one from another seller, which is what I did. I could have also logged off, and had my JC, Matty, buy the raw materials, cut it, and then mail it. All of this would only take a few minutes, but dammit, it's those "few minutes" that EFFING ADD UP AND MAKE ME INSANE. (Hear that wolf howling? Told you.)

This displeases me.

But what does bring us happiness? And yes, money may not buy happiness, but life without it isn't pleasant either. We can't all go off to a small keep somewhere like our lovable hermit, Abercrombie:

Maybe he's the one who cooks up those questionable Abercrombie & Fitch ad campaigns?
Should have included him in this, too.

Bottom line, when asked if I feel any guilt over not playing or trying other MMOs? No. No I don't. Like hard-earned gold, I'm going to spend my guilt coin wisely, over things that I can do something about so I can alleviate that nagging, biting little personified bastard. The advice any intelligent, sane person would offer would be to: 1. Take a break 2. Set time limits 3. Don't care so much. All good things, and really, what I do feel. Blizzard's going to get their subscription fees out of my budget for some time now, I'm not quitting any time soon, and still receive the undefinable satisfaction over hanging out with friends, looking at beautiful scenary, and yes --still love writing those little silly stories. For the most part, worth the price of admission (unlike Snow White and the Huntsman. FOR GOD'S SAKE WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THAT GIRL SOME ACTING LESSONS?!?!)

End of Rant. Amen.

Theme Song: The Who/Behind Blue Eyes