Dear Matty: Stay Calm Edition

Dear Matty:
I hate playing right now, and not because of dailies, or quests, or waiting for the new expansion: I hate playing right now because my healer (I'm a tank) left me for a druid in Darnassus, and it's depressing to be playing solo right now. I painted myself in a corner with my guild, and he and I were too cliquish, I guess, and now I'm left having to start over with meeting friends. How do I get out of this social slump?

Lonely in Lordearon

Dear LL:
I have spent my whole life wondering how we meet, make, and keep friends. In fact, I was thinking about this very topic last night, thinking about how rare and special it is I have met and kept a friend for decades. This is the blessing part of social media, too, because I can think of at least five dear friends with whom I've reconnected with on social media, because my Christmas card writing has fallen by the wayside, and things like Twitter and Facebook allow us to have casual conversations on-line. But as the above spoken word performance above shows, love comes and goes, and the best we can hope for is another opportunity. Have heart, Lonely, for the only way I know to invite love in is to open the door: to extend this metaphor, you're the one in your own house, and whether or not you want or are able to have company. As far as friends in Azeroth goes, don't be afraid to initiate conversation once in awhile, make a joke in a group, or notice which active guilds seem to have the funniest, or friendliest guild recruitment ads. You just never know.

Dear Matty: So You Want to be a Writer Edition

One day, lad, all this will be yours!

What, the curtains?

I reside at #32 Cliche Cave

Dear Matty:
I started playing WoW about a year or so ago, and I love it. It has rekindled a long-time passion for fantasy, make-believe, and experiences I haven't felt since I was a little girl. It's funny, because when I was a little girl I pretended to be all kinds of things--but mostly the theme was "princess." Yes, I know it's not fashionable these days to only introduce little girls to 'princess-y' things, but in my imagination I was the start of the show. (I didn't like to be rescued all the time, but do some of the heroic acts myself.) Now, I get to interact in a role-play situation with real, live humans on the other end, and explore, be strong, and act out several different types of characters. I know there are a lot of blogs out there for World of Warcraft, and I think I could do a good job, too, of writing some stories about WoW. The hesitation I have, Matty, is that when I read some of the circular conversations about WoW and its players it gets a little tiresome, and I don't want to become just another nameless face. I just want to write stories and share some things about WoW with others, and hope they enjoy it. Do you have any advice for a WoW blogger?
Signed,
Pen-less in Pandaria

From Writer's Write

Dear Pen:
I don't blame you for being hesitant: when you read all the different opinions about writing, writers, viewpoints, and others defining what is being open-minded and what is not for us, or trying to, it's hard to know if we're coming or going in our own voices and convictions. And then you have goofballs like me who are constantly swimming in both directions of the tide, seeing many sides, and being as abstract as possible. Even lately writers I enjoy sometimes write things that make me go "huh?" but I just shrug and realize they're doing nothing different than what I want to do - explore an emotion, an opinion, or a situation. That is my only advice for you. All of us beg, borrow, steal, and give to one another, whether we are creative types or not. But here's my #6: we're all creative types. The thing is, unless we do have a variety of voices out there, how else can we begin to question, create, challenge ourselves? I am beginning, however, to understand more and more over time why John Irving believes we don't, or shouldn't, write autobiographies: we are boring: static characters and lives stagnate. I want to explore all kinds of characters, with several motivations. But more importantly, when others begin to call out that those in "charge" of creating say the 'emporer isn't wearing any clothes,' they shouldn't be lambasted either. Many in current media are using tired, formulaic responses, and they are in danger of losing audience. But you know what? Maybe this will spawn fresh voices, fresh insights. There is nothing wrong with classics such as the Hobbit to rely solely on the archetype of female characters being goddess/wise women, but perhaps this is a call for new writers to create other archetypes as we change and grow. Dare I say: evolve?

I got the whole princess thing figured out myself, Pen, and let me tell you that is why a new point-of-view like Shrek is so much fun, or when Colin Stokes talked about the Wizard of Oz in a different way than I had ever thought about: it truly is the grand conversation that is the joy, and the bane, of of the blogging world that is open to you. This doesn't mean that, for example, this past week I confessed to CD Rogue that the inner voice, that little tiny girl who used to play princess, too, just like you, didn't want some rescuing. I am not exaggerating when I say I had several dragons I had to slay on my own this week. The men in my world, young and old, all looked to me to do many hard and difficult things. But if any of the game designers were to tackle my own real-life plot line, it would bore people to death: MOM FIGHTS EVIL PRINCIPAL! Whack! Slam! MEETING TIME! WIFE takes care of SICK HUSBAND! Zoom! Whammo! Colleague gives CRAPPY SECRET SANTA GIFTS…and lives! Yeah, not so much, huh?

Now I could generalize and start to stress that male writers drift toward formulaic and angry stereotypes and archetypes. Grimmtooth's "sausage fest" analogy made me giggle. All I could see in my mind after reading his post was a band of merry sausages, armed with axes and mounts, trying to save the world. Onward, Bratwurst! Have at thee, Chorizo!

But the thing is, (and this is what kind of surprises me about my sweet blogger buddy Effraeti, and even Bear for that matter), is that I think they would agree that really GOOD writing naturally doesn't make the reader self-conscious about gender or stereotypes. Many deep, rich characters are portrayed, without a protest or second glance. I think of some of my favorite books, To Kill A Mockingbird, East of Eden, Harriet the Spy, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, just about anything by Alice Hoffman, or John Updike, Neil Gaiman, etc., and not a single one of them relies solely on tropes or gender stereotypes. Not one. (This is not to say Game of Thrones isn't full of all KINDS of archetypes, it leaves no gender archetypal image unturned - true equality!) But somehow the game industry does: to me, this just show more immaturity than anything else, that it hasn't quite caught up with really substantive works. This was my own epiphany this morning: the more my own writing stagnates is when I depend on too much tried-and-true (read: cliche) plot lines. But that's just me. If I write something that makes me cry, or makes me laugh, then I'm somewhat satisfied. (But writers are never satisfied.)

Now, go back to #3 above: write what you want to read. If you want to write a certain way, we applaud you, and that's awesome. We say this all the time: write what you want to write. And if you don't get readers, that's okay, too. You don't need to pander, or subjugate yourself for anyone. As long as you know there may be consequences for your work, then please, please write. There is only one of you, and your point-of-view adds texture and richness, and there is room for all: see #2 and #6. Not so sure about #8. Let me know how it goes. I have to go write Christmas cards now: talk about tropes and cliches! Dios mio...

Matty

Dear Matty: Chasing the Endorphin Dragon Edition

Dornaa is cheered by all...

“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.” 

― Audrey Hepburn

Dear Matty:

I've been in-game friends with a few players for years. I have never had a lot of friends; call me a serial friend-monogamist if you will. This means that the few friends I choose are really important to me, and I strive to make them happy, be there for them, and make life better. Lately, though, with one friend in particular, I feel that something shifted, and I can't put my finger on it. It was really starting to wear on me. You know the old-fashioned thing about lipstick on the collar? That was how I was feeling, that I was becoming boring, and friends were looking elsewhere for fun. The Sha of Doubt has nothing on my ability to over-analyze and spiral out, which only makes things worse. What advice do you have to get me out of this friendship slump?
Friendless in Feralas

(Sorry, I had to repost this; friendships come in all shapes and sizes)

Dear Friendless in Feralas,

Ah, the ever-shifting sands of friendship. I have come to the shocking but obvious realization that the primary reason I play WoW is for the friends. The fact is, if I lost my few friends in Azeroth, I would probably stop playing. That has become clear to me. The reason I am not addicted to games like Candy Crush or other types of pure solo games is because there is another human being acting out a grand character in Azeroth. And, the bonus is, I don't smell anyone's dirty socks, don't have to make them dinner, or pay their medical bills; however, I am there to listen and help if they need, or just go punch a few monsters in the snouts.

However, that is not to say we don't become completely infatuated with this game, or our friends in it. Infatuation is heady stuff, Friendless: it is the endorphin maker. When that spark starts to fizzle, or the connections get frazzled, we feel our endorphins peter out, and start to feel kind of blah. The paradox is you have no control over others, zero: paradoxically time in Azeroth gives us a false sense of control. We say we value loyalty, confidence, honor, and kindness in the real world and in our pixelated ones, but the truth is the layers of emotion sometimes tweak our sense of balance. Add to the fact we can't see body language or facial expression in Azerothian whispers and the communication signals become even further truncated.

I think about real life friends who, for reasons unknown to me, just stopped communicating. And I have plenty of friends who faded out for a bit, and then re-entered in bigger and better ways: we are not static in our lives. For example, I keep a box full of old love letters, but the boy who wrote them is not the man he turned out to be. In many ways, the letters define a moment of my life, and now our friendship defines another. It takes maturity and wisdom to be open to both, that both parts of our lives can exist.

Ugh. I think I made it worse, Fearless. Probably because it can be --it can really hurt when we lose connection with someone we have trusted, no matter the world.

Azeroth is meant for fantasy for most players. It exists only in the box of love letters for most of us, and no where else. The minute reality pushes away that thin veneer we make ourselves vulnerable. If we share too much of our real lives, we cannot help but think of those things when we play. For example, I share with you that my knees are starting to really hurt. Or I have a cold. Or the chili I ate last night made me gassy. You on the other end look at that tall, buxom Draenei and all you can smell are chili farts. Kind of takes you out of the moment. I will say though, that ultimately those funny things make Azeroth better. Unless you have a clear-cut scripted RP connection, all bets are off. Chili farts it is. Deal with it.

Friendships are a great pay-off that come great risks -- friendships form over time, and yet, sometimes they fade away without warning or notice. We're too busy looking the other way, and then we realize that we haven't really spoken with that friend in awhile, or have no idea what their daily lives are like. If we try to reconnect, it can feel like putting a spider web back together. There is another layer of superficiality in Azeroth that can exacerbate your sense of loneliness, FF. But remember that friends in and out of Azeroth come in and out of our lives: the message -- be your own best friend first. Trust the life in your own mind and world.

One last thing: there is a moment in this clip with Louis C.K. is really vulnerable, which is why I love his work so much. Just -- be in the moment, Friendless. Go do something else for a bit--that's what I plan on doing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aly-walansky/how-do-we-know-its-time-to-say-goodbye-to-a-friend_b_4327420.html

What does this even mean?

Dear Matty: Chocolate Y Drogas Version

Mr. Snerguls: "This post was inspired by a predicament many players find themselves in, and thank you to Zeirah for sharing this. Now, mwmmmwmwaaagggmmmmhhaaah." 

Go to i-Tunes and buy this. Now. 

Dear Matty:

I belong to a great guild and raid team. For the most part, everyone seems to get along, but there is…which is why I am writing…this one player, a woman, who is so crude and gross it would make the devil blush. I think she's trying to be a cross between Aisha Tyler and Miley Cyrus. I have had to mute her on Vent many times, which has led me to make mistakes cause once in awhile she'll give a tactical suggestion (surprised her mouth isn't blistered from all the cuss words, but she can say normal things, too.) I've tried to talk to the GM about it, but he just laughs and says she's been a part of the team since the beginning, is a great player (she does know her stuff), and to just get over myself (his words: "Maybe this isn't the guild for you.") I didn't think I was a prude, but her so-called humor crosses boundaries. Oh, and my boyfriend is on the raid team too, and privately has told me he thinks she has mental issues, and brushes it off. Why can't I?

Bathroom-Wall Belf

Bathroom-Wall Belf

Dear Bathroom:

The advice synopsis most players will give you is:

But I want to bring up a different tact: 'everyone thinks they have a sense of humor.' 

From My Blue Heaven:

[Barney tells a joke. Everyone laughs, except Hannah]
Hannah Stubbs: I see that it's funny. I have a sense of humor.
Barney: Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't.

Think about it: first of all, everything is layered in our virtual worlds that makes conversation awkward on a good day. Now imagine throwing in comments we think are funny, and when met with crickets (man, tough crowd) we either decide to amp it up more or never speak again. If the person is an extrovert, often they will ignore the social cues, and if an introvert, will over-analzye the social cues. But not everything is funny. Señor told me some of the dumbest jokes yesterday, and he knows it. I'm not offended, we both know we're dorks. But he did make me smile they were so bad. Heck I get annoyed because one (female) player blasts music and when she clicks on Vent it's like having a kid play with the radio knob in a car: off/on/off/on/off/on, and it's really, really bad music. Journey and Kansas and shit like that. BUT - others have commented that they love it. And since she's a more integral, nice, and contributive player than I am, I don't get a vote. Simple as that. There is a heirarchy, a pecking-order if you will, in every single social structure. Every. Single. One.

Now, I'm going to link some humor that cracks me and CD Rogue up lately. It might offend some folks. The jokes might make you pee your pants laughing. We laugh because Al Madrigal makes fun of others who take themselves too seriously, and that is what a comedian is supposed to do. But, whether or not we think it's funny all depends on our own values. Sometimes we hate ourselves for laughing, we're supposed to be "better" than that. But it does fly in the face of our own moments of arrested development, when we find ourselves laughing at a 4th-grade level "what's black and white and red all over" joke:

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?

A nun with a spear through her head.

But someone who IS truly funny is Allie Brosch, of Hyperbole and A Half. I just bought her book, and hope she founds resoundingly success. Not that money makes us happy, but as my dad says, it sure does help.

Dear Matty: "Anyone know a smithie?" Edition

"Ulysses Everett McGill: Say, any of you boys smithies? Or, if not smithies per se, were you otherwise trained in the metallurgic arts before straitened circumstances forced you into a life of aimless wanderin'?"

Dear Matty:
This story is as old as Azeroth itself, but I still need your advice. When it comes to leveling professions, no one can beat me because of my many characters. When it comes to making gold, however, I am shamefully bad. I've put my professions out there with trades of skills in exchange for gold or materials, but this last time a deal went quite sour. What do you recommend a player to do to make gold and use one's professions wisely? I have had many fair,  honest exchanges with players where we both end up in a win/win. But Matty, when something goes wrong, it really goes wrong. What do you think? How do you make gold or handle professions?

Signed, 
Professional Priest

Dear Professional:
There have been so many times I've witnessed in Trade, (which one would think by name alone, "Trade") that would be the place to advertise one's professions, and a reasonable exchange of goods, services, and wares would take place. And yet, players will deride one another, trolling and quibbling about the prices the professionals charge for their wares. We get annoyed when others undercut our items in the Auction House, as we should, and unless there is an unwritten price-fixing agreement, the economics of Azeroth are as complicated as any nation's budget balancing. Or not, as the case may be. Add rarity, farming time, and the maddening cool-downs and chancy procs to the mix, and we are left with a confusing pile of unseen labor costs and frustration. No wonder we try to keep things fair and honest: it's too much work to add deceit and larceny to the equation. 

But the thing to never, ever forget is that many players treat in-gold game as, or even more, seriously than real-world money. Aside from the fact that this scares me, it affects the relationships and psychological well-being of players. Don't think this is a real thing? The millenials have been raised on a steady diet of 'blingblingbling' noises, sucking at the teat of the gaming slot-machine lever. Is there a correlation to stories like this? Man-oh-man, that would be quite the thesis, but I'm not up to the task now. 

So, you want my two-cents? Here you go (this advice is on loan from Shakespeare, who probably recycled it from someone else):

Polonius:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,For loan oft loses both itself and friend,And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 75–77



Just make your goods. Sell them on the Auction House. Use your Smartphone's remote WoW app Auction House feature. And for gods' sake, if you ever enter a deal with another player again, take screenshots. 

Caveat: if you have to take screenshots of a deal, it isn't worth it.

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

Dear Matty: Cupid and Psyche Edition

Dear Matty:
I've had it. I foolishly told my RealID and Battletag to any Manny, Moe, or Jack who asked for it, and now I'm constantly getting whispers and greetings from folks, though are very nice, are just kind of there. Also, many of them are players that we needed to exchange this information for a quick raid or group, and now I feel bad if I 'unfriend' them. What a word, right? Unfriend? What if we weren't 'friends' in the first place? I mean, it's not like they bought me a puppy or anything, or picked me up from the airport. I can't even unfriend people from Facebook without political/social ramifications, although no one seems to have an issue 'unfriending' me if it's necessary. I know Blizzard should really come out with an "invisible" button/option, but until then, I am feeling very exposed. How do you handle this, Matty?
Death-to-Privacy-Death Knight

Dear Privacy:
I am reminded of the story of Cupid (Eros) and Psyche. Theirs is a tale of love, lust, betrayal, and redemption. Yeah, yeah, that old chestnut. Seems that Cupid's mom, Aphrodite, was hearing rumors of some poor, but incredibly gorgeous, girl's encroachment into her territory. The girl's name was Psyche, which means 'soul.' Heart and soul, get it? Anyway, Aphrodite (Venus) sends her boy Cupid to go slay this girl. Long story short, he falls in love with her, and whisks her away to his luxurious crib, complete with talking teapots and stuff (please don't think fairy tales are original, and certainly not the Disney Co.), with one promise: she must never, ever look upon his face or know his identity. Since the nights were so full of, how shall we say, made worth her while, she kept his trust. But--typical. Her sisters come to visit and they are jealous, and put fear and distrust in Psyche's heart. One night, she goes to see if Cupid is indeed the monster (who can kiss and hug like a rock star, but Psyche forgets this) her sisters say he is. She holds an oil lamp a bit too close to the bed, and some hot oil or candle wax, depending on the version, drops on Cupid waking him. He awakens in physical and emotional pain to see that Psyche betrayed him, and years and pain and suffering later, along with the ultimate evil mother-in-law, and well you'll have to find out what happens.

Why this tale? Well, it seems to me that much of what we enjoy in Azeroth is the fantasy: we enjoy being in our own tale of heroism, battles, love, loss, hatred, rivalries, (nothing in there about Tiller rep, but sure there's a story in there, too). But knowing the real identities of others may spoil the fun. It might surprise people to learn I've known my friend Señor since almost the beginning of my entrance into Azeroth, but I know very little about the man behind the characters, and I respect that. Am I curious? Yes, very much so. But curiosity does indeed kill the cat, if by cat I mean the opportunity of immersing myself in just having fun -- no real life responsibilities, no demands, and no expectations. If anything, he probably just expects me to keep the electric bill paid on the guild bank, but other than that, nada. 

There are a few folks on my battletag/realid roster I'm sure would be relieved if I just deleted them: they probably don't remember one thing about me, and it adds a social weight. There are some real id/battletag friends, however, I would be devasted to lose. I consider them "real" friends, and would mourn their departure from my social world(s). I'm sure my dear friend Señor wants some time in Azeroth that is just his, just like any of us do.

In the future, be more cautious of 'keeping the cat alive," I suppose, and if you do need to prune your rosters, go right ahead. You owe no one in Azeroth a single thing.

Dear Matty: Lurker Edition

Dear Matty:
In real life, I am a loving husband and father, responsible worker, and all-around good guy. But since I was a kid I always enjoyed drama, writing, and role play. My favorite books were manga, and I was a Pokemon master! When WoW came along, the RP part of the game and its adventures were a natural fit for me. For years I've created characters and exchanged all manner of dialogue. My avatars are my alter-egos, purely for fun. But my wife...oh geez...this is going to sound like such a cliché...doesn't understand. She watches over my shoulder and reads what the other RP guildies are saying, and let's just say she does not approve, nor want me to "hang around them." I have tried to explain to her many times it's just a game with a storytelling element. She plays a lot of Candy Crush and was an avid Farmville Fan, and Angry Birds, but has never been an MMORPG'er. Heck, she doesn't even like to dress up for Halloween! Of all the so-called hobbies one can have; golf, model trains, canning and pickling, you know, manly stuff, she would tolerate I suppose. How can I get her to trust that this is purely about the story, and my only chance to play superhero?

Paranoid Paladin

Dear Paranoid:

Your concerns are not only personally valid, but the on a global scale, too. This morning I read an article titled "Congress Debating If Putting A Fake Name On Facebook Should Be A Felony" from techdirt, by-line Brad Kriss. Dios Mio! I am about to put in a call to the Guild Lawyer, a one Mr. Atticus Eat-A-Finch, feline familiar, to check in on my avatarial rights! (This is a real thing, by the way.) I realize however, you're not really asking me what the Department of Justice is up to, but the Department of Homeland Security, aka domestic peace. You can go one of two ways: first, tell her this is important to you again, you need a tiny bit of breathing room, please, and don't play so much and pay more attention to her. Kind of a shaky option. Second: give up most of your RP time with others, and start a set of characters with her and get her in on the fun. Also a little wobbly. The reasons why these options are potentially flimsy because you need to be honest about what you're doing. When we create friends, and enemies, in our avatarial lives, they carry over to our real ones. We truly do care about one another, and are concerned, and carry the weight, of each other's burdens and triumphs with us emotionally. In other words, we cross lines, and it can be painful.

That's kind of heavy, isn't it?

But let's consider the second option. Ask her to think about some of her favorite TV, movie, or book characters. (Yes, this feels like homework, sorry!). If she could play one of them, who would it be? When she's done, (and listen, don't talk), tell her she totally understands you, and how much you appreciate her allowing you time to enjoy the game. If she wants to start a character with you, then let her try. Just be clear with your fellow guildmates or RP friends you have her joining too, and the framework may change. It's perfectly reasonable, responsible, and right to tell others for example, "My son will be using my character sometimes, so yo may not get a response in chat," or, "My wife and I are starting characters on a different realm, so if you see me pop on in battletag, and I don't respond, that's why." Anyone in the game who doesn't respect that isn't worth your time. Having said that, and listen carefully Sir Paladin: if you have to give up your WoW friends they will truly miss you, and be saddened. This may be a sacrifice you will have to make for your real life, however, and real life always trumps virtual. 

As far as laws being passed to make playing with our imaginations a crime, I say "HELL NO." And it's not a crime if you have a virtual life, too. When reading the article, I couldn't help but think of one of my nephews who started a Facebook page for a puppet character he created. Does the DOJ want to eye him now too? God almighty.

Consider this quote:

The tagline read: looking at you, G.R.R. Martin...
Just say no to censorship...

Theme song: Rockwell/Somebody's Watching

Anyone have any advice for Paranoid Paladin?

Dear Matty: Chivalry Is Dead Edition

Dear Matty:
This is so damn petty of me, but it's gnawing at me so: sometimes the real world sucks. Yesterday for example, I noticed not only was the toilet paper roll completely down to the bare cardboard, but "no one" had even bothered to go to the other cupboard and resupply the area with fresh rolls. This may not seem like a big deal, but this happens quite a bit, and then that "no one" apologizes! That is what makes me angry! And this morning I was putting away a big stack of laundry, found a warm sweatshirt to keep me comfortable in the chilly morning air, and then was told to not wear it. Okay, okay, so it wasn't mine, I should go find my own, but there was a bear sleeping in the cave where I left my hoodie, so...anyway. I am just sick of folks in the real world being selfish and petty, and once in a while want to just get my way without fuss or fights. In Azeroth, my guildmates are always happy to see me, stand by me in battlegrounds and LFR, and send me companion pets. I mean, really, how awesome is that? Matty, what do you do about your real life nuisances?

Signed,
Mama's Out Of Mana

Dear MOOM:
Whenever there is a disruption in domestic bliss, I turn to my trusty resource, Urban Dictionary! According to UD, 'chivalry' is something that is dead and should stay dead. Well that's not its original meaning - chivalry used to mean treating others, specifically ladies, with a code of honor and ethics. Now it's just come to mean a double standard. In other words, we want our toilet seats down and rolls filled, too. There is a lot of "mine" and "yours" in the Matty-shack, a whole lot of boundaries and not a lot of sharing is caring sometimes. This puts a huge debuff on a romantic's heart, I understand. There is a passage from one of my favorite novels, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez where the wife, Fermina, forgets to put in a new bar of soap or some trivial thing and is so put out by the pettiness of the husband --it's a powerful, poignant moment. Reading it intermittently over my life shows me new understanding or insight. But that's heavy literature: you're just trying to be happy in both worlds, yes?

“She felt the abyss of disenchantment.” 

― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Well here is what I do know: the more you do for yourself the better, that way any time someone does do something nice for you it's all good, unexpected, and a pleasant surprise. The boons will surface like flowers in a field of cow patties, rising above.

To you youngun's out there who are far too sophisticated to admit that there are sometimes you want to feel like a princess or a knight in shining armor (careful, kids, I did not assign gender roles to this - you did that yourselves), forgive yourselves. It's okay. Everyone wants to feel that swept-up thing, and it's very real, powerful, and necessary. What keeps us human after all.

And this article and short film will come in very, VERY handy:
What To Do When You've Made Someone Angry by Peter Bregman  (hint: just say you're sorry and shut up)

It's Not About the Nail

Matty

Postscript: Yes, I am going. I really am. The Matty-shack household is on different schedules: I take the  morning shifts while everyone else is on swing or graveyard. May not be funny, may not be fair, but that's the way it is.

Here are some books I'm taking on my trip:

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman (started reading it last night --!!!!)

The Child Thief by Brom

The Night Life of the Gods by Thorne Smith (thank you Erinys - I am loving it!)

Dear Matty: Run For Your Virtual Life Edition

Dear Matty:
I am in the market for a new guild. This comes after a few years of playing, meeting others in Azeroth, and a lot of false starts. I just can't seem to attract other players who have the same goals I do, or who can be accommodating to my schedule and real-life responsibilities. The other issue is, well, there are some creeps out there. Every one seems so nice at first, but then they turn on me. Case in point: one Guild Master locked me out of the guild bank when I took some wool cloth out of the shared tabs page to level my First Aid. He said I should have asked first, even though it was the shared tabs page, and I had contributed most of the cloth. G-kick. Another time, I was healing on a ten-man, and the raid leader kept confiding in me about how awesome this other healer was, but her husband was part of the package, and the husband was a terrible tank. So not only was I left feeling insecure about my own position on the team, I realized the raid leader would not hesitate to talk about ME behind my cape. Another time I befriended a congenial little Forsaken, only to be stalked to the ends of the world with "Whatcha doing? Whatcha doing? Whatcha doing?" and then never any further social input. Awkward. Matty, these are only a fraction of the stories of the social awkwardness, stalk-iness, and subterfuge that has been my experience in Azeroth. I just want to be on a ten-man, derp, and laugh once in a while, and not have to take out restraining orders and being scared every time I put someone on the ignore list. Is that so much to ask?

Signed,
Woeful Worgen

Dear Woe:

There is not a single player in World of Warcraft who cannot relate to part of your story. Wait, I take that back. The ones who can't relate are the ones perpetrating these social atrocities: the creeps, stalkers, divas, ninjas, backstabbers, and "I forgot to take my pill" folks. There was one time a girlfriend of a player friend had a violent episode over his time playing with me. Yikes. And in this day and age, unfortunately, and tragically, one cannot be too careful. The phrase "trust your instincts" has never had more power. I believe we all go into Azeroth with a wide-eyed innocence -- look! Just look at all these players who want to be here too, in this beautiful and exciting place, and play! Yet, alas, what people do in their real lives carries over to the virtual one, for ill, but also for good. It is not too much to ask that you find a guild that will be like-minded, and share your goals, too. But like love--it can take time. I would say be honest with yourself, and determine what you can and cannot tolerate. Some of these things include the obvious, such as racism, homophobia, bullying, harassment, overt sexual stalking, etc., but they go to the other end of the spectrum, too, such as consistent miscommunication, undermining, and perhaps the most dangerous of all: unclear expectations.

It's really too bad we can't see if a player has a monkey tattoo such as the one in the video. If we could only see what an ass they are ahead of time, it would sure save a lot of trouble. Since this is the virtual world, we all must set our own clear expectations, and then honestly, and transparently, (and paradoxically) tell others how to treat us in this opaque virtual one. I think we could all learn from successful Role Players in Azeroth: IC or OOC. Are we in character, or out of character? And if one's "in character" is being an asshat, then it's time to say goodbye, and not look back. Unless your avatar is a doormat, don't let others scrape their sabatons on you.

Dear Matty: Leave Me the *beep* Alone Edition

The Ultimate Solo Scenario

Dear Matty:
Your fiery temper comes through in your writing, so I am not sure you can help me, but have no where else to turn. The new content in 5.2 is--how can I say it? Truly wonderful --there's a cumulation of narrative, and my wish of having more to do on my own, on my own schedule, is finally coming true. I feel like I did when I first started playing--like everything is new and fresh, and I'm a part of it. I've desperately wanted to recreate that sensation, and for the first time in three years of playing, I almost got there. Until, enter the guildmate. The guildmate who's nice, friendly, helpful, etc., but has a tendency for 'one upmanship' in lieu of sharing, and of unsolicited advice. I got a stream of advice for the Throne scenario, Youtube links, strategies, etc. It was like reading a dungeon journal, but in real time. I didn't want to be rude, and couldn't figure out how to tell him to stop. In the meantime, I was doing a scenario for Jaina and was preoccupied with that, so I could mostly disregard the advice. But the damage was done. When I got a moment, I tried to express that I just wanted to go in there, even if I failed. He couldn't know what emotional connection I was trying to achieve in the game, so it's not his fault, but it was kind of ruined for me. But the crusher was--before I went he asked me to heal the Setting The Trap quest; I asked if it had to be now, he said yes, so I stopped everything, changed specs, and went in there. Somewhere during it I noticed the beast was not dying. I questioned this and he said something like, 'didn't I get the memo to change to dps?' No, no I didn't because the cat caught on fire, the chili boiled over, and the garlic toast was being eaten by the dog, or something. So, yes, the one second I look away...we were in combat anyway. Fine, monster dead, back to what I was doing. It took about ten minutes because I kept aggroing stuff while in my healer spec, and they were all long gone. So I went into the Throne, and got three of the stones from the run, and here is why I'm mad: I kind of purposefully sabotaged myself out of stubbornness to try to recreate sensation of discovering it on my own. I did get some okay things, but not the awesome stuff. But I did get the stones, and then the Setting the Trap quest, and wouldn't you know, when I shared that in guild chat, not one of them offered to help me finish it That was the cherry on the fart.

Here's my question: besides DND, is there any polite way to get people to listen when you want them to be quiet?

Gnawing-My-Foot-Off Gnome

Dear Gnaw:

No. You can't get people to read between the lines. Subtly doesn't work in guild chat.

I think you answered your own question, and you just want to feel absolved over the guilt of wanting to play on your own, and not be a rude twit, too. I'm sure your guildmate was just excited and enthusiastic too, and we all go into Azeroth for some level of social interaction. If this truly begins to bug you, you may just want to put an alt in that guild you seldom play, and join a tiny one. But you really need to look at the cost/benefit of this: there are times you do want help, and being part of a larger guild does have its social benefits. Consider it like a union: you pay your dues, and hopefully the return on investment is feeling happy and comfortable. Maybe when you log on, you can greet players and let them know you're doing solo content, so your DND button will be on, or let them know you're turning off guild chat for some personal play reasons. If they know ahead of time "you're not home," they'll respect that.

And I can't help but think of the Burgess Meredith character in that Twilight Zone episode where he gets all the time he needs to read--when you break your glasses, it'd be nice to have a discount on repair bills.

Now go log off, take a bubble bath, and read a good book. I highly recommend Life of Pi before you see the movie, which is dazzling. Makes you think about being alone, God, and stuff. Damn, did I just give you unsolicited advice too? My bad.

Dear Matty: Private Idaho Edition

Rona Greenteeth is hard to find, but worth it...at the Darkmoon Faire

Dear Matty:
This is a sticky social situation I have never learned how to deftly maneuver. We all know that sometimes there are awkward moments when it comes to RealID and Battletags, but how does one structure privacy in a guild situation? I was raised to be polite but have boundaries, and it seems in Azeroth, some of those boundaries get pushed. I need to know if I'm neurotic or right to want a certain level of personal privacy? For example, a casual WoW acquaintance has an alt in my guild, and now they're asking for cell phone numbers, email addresses, RealIDs, home phone numbers, blood type, and  favorite ice cream flavor. It's getting a bit pushy. I don't think this person has any malevolent motives, but I've had to try to gently push them off my proverbial front porch a few times. How can we players handle when someone tries to get closer to us than we would like?

Please advise - No-one's Home Night Elf


PS You'll notice there's no return address on this envelope, so I'll just look for your response via your site.


Dear No-One:

What first comes to mind is Robert Frost's poem "Mending Wall," with the modern day proverb, "good fences make good neighbors." The poem is about boundaries, including those we respect, build, create, and those we want to tear down. This brave new world of Azeroth is like nothing we've experienced before though, and with all due respect to good sir Frost, those messages in pink can be as intrusive as an over-caffeinated Girl Scout on a three-day Thin Mint bender. You VILL pay for UR COOKieez NOW!

I must say I am in a similar situation from the other point-of-view: there are some in-game projects I would like to complete with a friend, and have no idea how to get in touch with them. I'm not even sure if this friend is going to come back. I think I may have an email or something around here somewhere, but what is truly stopping me is making them feel awkward by having to set up a boundary with ME. No one likes rejection, and you seem like a kind-hearted soul, and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I do know this friend respects my privacy as I do, and I'll use the plural 'theirs" because I try to respect everyone's privacy, too. Maybe I'll just throw up the semiphorical battle-tag number and see if my signal is received.

This has got to be a tough one for bigger guilds, too, not just small ones. But I have often thought if anything happened to my friend Senor, and because we respect each other's real life spaces, how would I know? Maybe he can leave an "in case of emergency" envelope around for his family: To Whom It May Concern: Please contact this shaman in Azuremyst if I should fall into a coma." Yeah. That's not weird. And I'll tell CD Rogue: there's a mage friend of mine in Dalaran. If I get hit by a bus, would you please send him an in-game letter? Sure. Because you'll have nothing else on your mind.

So how about we players just make a social contract here and now? Guidelines, if you will:

1. If you have been friends with a player for over two years, all kidding aside, you may want to make that emergency envelope. They do care about you, and if something should happen, they would want to know.

2. No one except very close friends should have cell numbers. It is not up to anyone else but you to determine who is close enough for a cell or home phone. Things like g-mail accounts and Twitter work great to keep communication open but still maintain avatarial identities.

3. If you start to get weeks of  one word responses from a player, they are trying to let you down easy. Don't let it hurt your feelings--quite often it truly is a case of "it's not you, it's me." Really.

4. Logging on/off: I am terrible at saying goodbye sometimes, and just log. Just know it's so difficult for me to extricate myself from Azeroth that sometimes I just have to yank it off like a bandaid.

5. I'm pretty sure that if a guild is 'abandoned' for some period of time, others can take it over, so if someone does need to take over a guild, it's possible, and everyone can maintain their privacy.


My friends in Azeroth mean so much to me, but like you, I also like the delineation between "play time" and "real life time."

One last comment: How to handle chatting in the world is tricky, too. I have a few friends who I know I can say 'hey' to, ask a question, or just go off and do my own thing, and it never feels awkward or disappointing. Maybe cause they're just easy-going, confident folks. Don't ever feel guilty or apologize for doing in game what you want to do, and keeping those fences mended.


Private Idaho/B-52s

Dear Matty: Amore

Dear Matty:
This is somewhat mortifying for someone of my former status to write, but I have nowhere else to turn. My mate doesn't thrill me anymore. There used to be so much heat and fire in our relationship, but lately, since my brood has left the nest, I'm just in the mood anymore. I keep telling myself that this should be the best time of our lives, (and they are long lives indeed, one might even say immortal), and yet, the ennui that has set in our bedroom would chill even Arthas's, um--codpiece if you will. Maybe it's that we of my kind are no longer relevant. We just fly around all day, brittle, cold, and annoyed. Every day it's the same thing: dead Vykrul lugging around their maces, (quite depressing), disgruntled mages doing something or another to ice and eggs, and those whelpings are brats, straight up. Just the other day they mocked me as I, well this is embarrassing to admit, knocked down a boulder with my large flank. Hey, what can I say? Sometimes a pint of Ben & Jerry's is sexier than my mate. At least they don't judge. And what is the deal with all these forsaken and gnomes hovering around? Are they expecting a show? Well I got news for them. There ain't gonna be no show. Until I can get in the mood again, until the old spark is back, I feel as frigid as Jaina being stood up. So Matty--please help. I do love my mate, even though his old dragon breath is sweeter, and he skulks around that trash in Mt. Hyjal. What can I do to rekindle the flame?

Signed,
Disheartened Dragon


Dear Dissed:

In an effort to keep things anonymous, I will just say I do regonize that your race was once the terror of the skies. I too, have been anticipating a resurgence of pheramones by the Vigil, which has been Silent for far too long. I wish I was a sex therapist, but alas, am not sure I am qualified to help grease the wheels of a dragon affair; however, I shall give you advice I know the Draenei have long valued: don't overthink it. If your mate is still interested in you, which from your letter I have to assume he is, just relax. Have a cocktail or some small sheep, whatever it is dragons need, go off and destroy a small village or two, carry off screming yeti, you know - just for fun-- and see if that gets you laughing again, the best aphrodiasic of all. Now I'm not suggesting the Draenei carry off livestock to get down and funky, but they do tap into their animal instincts. (It's the hooves and horns--no matter how civilized, it always comes down to those.) Intimacy is what keeps us all paradoxically grounded and closer to heaven. If nothing seems to work, just shut your eyes and think about Thorin Oakenshield. Seems to work for some. Just saying. Not that I would know, but. Anyway. Now get out there, bite him hard on the neck, and show him how awesome you are! Get busy, girl! Those spawns ain't gonna hatch themselves!

Matty

Editor's Note: I am fairly certain there are no scourged whelpings in the game. 

Dear Matty: Love Connection

Dear Matty:
My significant other and I recently broke up. She did not get my obsession with WoW, and I did not get her obsession with Bad Girls. Okay, well maybe that one made sense, but the other chick things she was into, you know, talking to me, having me listen, all that junk, well, it just didn't work out. How does a handsome but sometimes fuzzy dude meet a single lady on-line in Azeroth who's not stalker, creeper, needy, or a dude?

Lovelorn in Laederon

Dear Lo:

Dude, I ain't touching this one with a ten-foot polearm. Good luck, sir.

Theme Song: Train/50 Ways To Say Goodbye

Dear Matty: A Little Bird Told Me Edition

*I have no idea why I used this image for this post: I find it terrifying and alluring. Maybe just like gossip.

Dear Matty,
Can we talk? I need some honest answers about gossip in Azeroth. Recently I was chatting with a Real ID friend, and the stream of blue was both reassuring and safe. Well, damn if the next thing I knew I said something kind of sassy, and it wasn't my original Real ID thread but another one from a Battletag! As fast as I could type MT, I did it again! I have grown too accustomed to seeing blue for Real IDs, pinks for other whispers, and so on. I try not to gossip or talk smack about anyone, but sometimes a girl's just gotta vent! What I was saying could have been so embarrassing if anyone ever heard me. I'm sure there's been plenty of MTs along the way, and I can only imagine what goes on on RP servers...but with my growing list of wonderful friends and large guild population, and the widening circle from cross-realm play, I can see how I could put my big foot in my dimuniutive mouth. The thing is, some friends know more about me than others, and I am feeling more and more exposed all the time.  How do you juggle your Azerothian friendships?

Signed,
Boca Grande Belf

Dear Boca Belf:
Whew, girl, I totally get it! The layers of conversation in Azeroth that can occur are fascinating! It's like playing three-dimensional chess! You got one conversation going on in Vent or Mumble, another one from a cross-realm buddy, one from a guildmate, one going on in guildchat, and then others you just want hidden from prying eyes. Many players even have family members or spouses looking over their shoulders, seeing what's being said or not said. That'll really cramp your style in Moonguard, let me tell you! *cough* I think of it like walking around with a cartoon thought bubble all the time, that only certain people can read. The word you used is spot-on: exposed.

Rule of thumb: don't ever type anything in a chat thread you wouldn't want said out loud. Now, that is far easier said than done. Gossip does have its place--without any gossip at all, no one would really know anything. The nuances and human interactions would lose all flavor, and you might as well spend your time with a good book, or talking to your cat. The other day a group of co-workers were discussing the habits of another, and since he was not there to defend himself I felt I had to. Sometimes gossip is just that: mean spirited yakking. Heck, that even gives yaks a bad name. Never known a yak to write something on the bathroom wall.

Bottom line: none of us are perfect. If you do need to rant and rave about something, or tattle, or gossip, or talk trash, whatever--understand who the audience is, and for God's sake, make sure you read your reply to first. But most of all, make sure you understand what your motivation is--what do you want? Are you trying to change behavior? Justify something for yourself? Or just be a beeeotch? No matter what anyone says, humans all need some level of drama, even it's a tiny grit or dirt. Otherwise we'd all be playing checkers with our cats. (At least until the cat started winning.)

Shutting up now,
--Matty

Oh, this is going to be awesome!
Hide-Out Option:
Invisible! Now you see me, now you don't (Manalicious)
Oh, and Vidyala at Manalicious also put out the Mage's Wardrobe for Pandaria list
Theme songs:
Whispering Grass (oh my --what the hell is this?!)
Dave Edmunds/Girls Talk
Marvin Gaye/Heard It Through the Grapevine

Dear Matty: For Better or Worse Edition

Zombies just trying to get along...

Dear Matty:
Oh, I may need to stop writing you and contact a divorce lawyer. I can't believe I am saying this, but my husband and I just had the biggest fight over WoW. You're probably thinking, "He's playing too much?" or "He was being transmogged by a hot BELF?" but no - we fought over his attitude towards...gear. I had just come off a bad LFR where a mage needed on the chest token I needed (he/she already had it) and when I asked, please if I could have it, he/she said "After this...." I knew immediately this player was a liar. I have had so much trouble getting gear for this one character, and it was really starting to get me down. As I was making cheeseburgers, and relating this sad tale, needing a little "there there dear," he told me about the time he needed on a tanking shield for his shaman for transmog...I blew up. I gasped. I almost started crying. I told him I did not think that was cool, at all.  He folded his arms, and harrumphed, and said, (bellowed to my ears) "It's my time, it's my money, and I will play the game the way I WANT TO." I was shaking mad. That's when the conversation deteriorated from simply talking about gear to me calling him a 'ninja' and him calling me a 'dungeon snob.' When cooler heads prevailed (mine) I further investigated what he had actually done and he had asked the DPS Warrior if he could need on the shield, too, since he wanted it for transmog. Fair enough. But what he didn't get was me telling him it would still be an asshat move if he needed on it when the tank needed it more. He did not agree, back to his refrain, "MYMONEYMYGAME.' I tried to explain to him that at lower levels, transmog runs and requests are fine, but I felt that when players are trying to gear up to maybe raid or do more end-game content, to please make sure he wasn't taking a healing mace or tanking shield just because it thought it looked cool when another player needs it more. I warned him he will indeed be thought of as a ninja. His point was that transmog is just as much a valid part of the game as any other activity, and it is indeed, his time, and money, and if Blizzard has that in the game, he has every right to get gear for transmog, too. I totally see his point, but am now wondering if this brings up a bigger issue: whose game is it, anyway?

Dungeon-Snob Druid

PS We used to play together when I was learning the game, but he's right: running dungeons with him does kind of irritate me.

And the cheeseburgers were overdone.

Dear Snob:
Allow me to access my shaman's intuition for a moment, but I do not think the argument was truly about the ethics or social courtesies of Azeroth, but perhaps the health of your own hearthstone. It sounds like he may be feeling that when you play, and don't hang out with him in Azeroth, you don't have the right to question his play style, any more than he should question yours. This has got to be one of the more sticky-wickets of WoW. (Hey! New guild name idea: Sticky Wickets) There are couples who met in Azeroth, and easily transitioned to playing together after dating or marriage. There are probably even more couples, however, who drifted apart in Azeroth, and found that separating the gold from the fishfeasts in the guildbank was more tricky, and needed an army of goblin family court lawyers. My advice to you is to consider what is most important here: Do you love him? Of course you do. Can you change him? No. Find what you like to do outside of Azeroth, and perhaps...never speak of this again.

As far as the gear, the need/greed, and transmog issue goes -- you have given me a lot to think about Snob, I mean really - unless you are in a social contract with a raid team or a guild run in a dungeon, or doing PvP, all's fair in love and gear--it hurts, it sucks, but that's the world we live in, in three dimensions and in two. If he is a good man, with a good heart, that is the greatest treasure of them all. And then go do a mog run with him, before a BELF steals him away.


Theme song: ShoopShoop (Warning: Cher)

Dear Matty: "It's the Little Things" Edition

Dear Matty:
This may be very odd, but as I am relatively new to MMORPGs,  I'm not quite sure how to handle any silences or the flow of conversation. Sometimes I say things in Vent or Guildchat that are so dorky, and I want to make a good impression, and not bug people, but I also want them to get to know me and know I have a personality, too, even if it is nerdy. I am very used to talking to people face-to-face, and I am a master at reading body language and moods, but have lost this skill in the social gaming world. What if they all think I'm not worth spending time with, that I don't know my stuff?

Please help me,

G-Chat Genie

Dear Genie:

Ah, my dear, I think you've touched on something that we all feel from time to time. We forget two things while we are in a guild environment: 1. These are not real people 2. These are all real people. Much as been written about guild culture, climate, tone, and expectations, and I can totally relate as I too have recently joined a large guild, and I really like everyone fine. But, I too worry about my personality quirks not meshing with others, and my biggest "Get Thee to A Therapist" bugaboo is that I hate to be misunderstood. There is a set pattern to human relationships we cannot seem to extricate ourselves from: honeymoon phase: buckle down phase: disinterested or angry: resolve or separate: back to mutual admiration or dissolution.

Let me give you an example: Many years ago, Cross-Dressing Rogue started a local film festival. His intent was to bring quality films to the culturally-starved area. The local "Arts" council got a hold of it. and transformed it from a wonderful, creative, popular event to a "ladies who lunch and like plastic flowers" drama and political bullshit mess. But, one of the successes of the event was he got this young filmmaker to send his work, which is to this day, one of the best movies I have ever seen, and I still share it often: My Name Is Yu Ming. And even though the local battalion of ladies who imagine they could run a film festival with the same passion as CDR found themselves coming up short. I still have a T-shirt, and this film.

So, on a walk today was asking myself the pivotal question: "What is the worst that can happen?" as I endeavor in a new guild. The best that can happen is I meet some new friends, have fun, get crazy loot, and enjoy this avocation we call WoW. The worst that can happen is it all falls apart, they g-kick me, and then I go and gee, I don't know, read a book or hang out with my mage buddy drinking Cenarion gold from a brown paper sack next up to the washed-up mage, betting on the PvP cage matches in the sewers. Either way it's a win!

Humans + Humans = Drama < Unrealistic Expectations/Tolerance.

Oh, and this is a win:

My new little lock, Hildebruja, got a haircut today. Surprise! Her two braids swirl and twist when she mounts her horse! It is awesome!! Dwarf girl for the win, people! Who knew!?!

This tickles me to no end. So remember, indeed it is the little things, the things that irk us and make us want to punch our computer screens, like my goofy mouse issues (which another player confessed to having the same issues! Thank goodness it wasn't just me!) Or the happy little things like swirling braids of "giddy-up pony!"

Dear Matty: Game Wife

Dear Matty:
A few years ago, my boyfriend enticed me to play WoW. We are still together, and I love him dearly, though he drives me crazy sometimes. But that's what love is, right? Give and take. But over time, I found myself not wanting or needing to play with him. I learned so much from other players, male and female, and from reading, researching, and practicing. He was a gamer for years, I might add, and many a night he would be playing WoW while I read a book or watched a movie by myself. I don't mind spending time on my own, and think those little breaks are healthy. I really love playing WoW, and have gotten in with some fun, friendly and helpful players. The problem is now he wants to play again after a break, and he was mostly PvP. I steered toward dungeons and dabbled in raids. Now the tables have turned, and I feel he doesn't ask enough questions, or when I offer insight or game-mechanic knowledge, it's met with defensiveness, or worse, dismissal of my knowledge. I just see this image of the old man in the car who refused to stop and ask for directions--these conversations have become cliche and tired. I don't want the same dynamic with him in or out of game, but our time to be spent in the real world having real fun, and my time in WoW to be my friend time. How do I do this without hurting his feelings? I know there are many couple-run guilds, and I don't know how they do it, and quite frankly, not sure I want to know.

Signed,
Horde-frau Frump


Dear Horde-frau:

I don't think there is a woman who plays who does not understand what you are saying in one situation or another. When I read blogs, forum posts, and general cloud chatter, it is obvious that in no capacity are we able, equipped or even motivated to extricate our human relationships from our virtual ones. We are social chimps. I have very mixed feelings about Samuel Jackson and Zooey Deschanel pitching i-phones--the Sam Jackson one implies that there is a human partner who is going to participate in "date night," and that Siri has the night off, but alas, I am not entirely confident it is. And poor Zooey! In her jammies, all quirky and clutter-y! Just try that when you're fifty-eight, dear Miss Deschanel, and you're just going to look sad. (Actually, that would be a funny Saturday Night Live skit - fast forward Zooey to middle-age, and see how quirky girl she is then.)

But I digress, as usual. The phenomenon you are experiencing is one I have theorized and labeled as "Game Wife." A "Game Wife" is someone who, in some form, is in a friendly relationship with another player that takes on some characteristics of a real-life wife. I am not including a cyber-sexual nature in this conversation: that is a range from Role Playing to flat-out, well, something else altogether. Many women joke, married, in a lesbian relationship, or other, that it would be great to have a 'wife,' and what women mean by this is someone to handle all of the drudgery, minutiae, and organizational duties no one else wants to do. I am not sure a Game Wife is this, but it sure is nice to have someone who is an equal peer in the game who matches one's own goals, skills, and drive to keep, let's say, a guild bank organized, a dungeon run fun, quest or leveling help knowledgeable and expeditious. The truth is, friends are friends and intimate relationships are quite different: we can vent to friends about boyfriends/husbands/partners, but that's where it stays. We vent, get it out, and move on, and our partner doesn't have to get the brunt of it. Men shirk at nagging, and never want to ask for directions. When we add the layer of game knowledge, then that brings out another layer of tension.

I guess in the process of negotiating and working on any relationship, it's just that. Be clear in your boundaries, you can be honest without being cruel, just say you enjoy playing a certain way, and do so--however, make sure if you want to keep the real relationship healthy, make sure you and he keep finding common ground and interests together, too. It is very healthy to have your own mind, interests, and creative outlets, as it is for him. But remember what brought you together in the first place, and pursue those interests, too.

There are more thoughts about this in my experience: those who want a "Game Wife," and don't understand boundaries of friendship, those who are too possessive of other [male] players' time and space (they don't allow the players to play with any other female player), and those who end up in a row because their real life boyfriend/girlfriend is angry about something that happened in-game. There is also the sadness that arises when someone has stopped being our friends in game -the signs are there. They don't greet us, respond to letters, or invite on runs. Everyone has been on both sides of that, and it's harsh, but it's a "he's just not that into you" thing. If your friend isn't returning your virtual texts or phone calls, get a clue. It hurts, but perhaps the friend isn't able to articulate or is being polite by dodging gestures of friendship. Perhaps he or she has gotten their personal partner to play in real life, and needs to discard the 'game wife.' Ouch, yes, but reality.

Siri: How do I down Deathwing? We'll see what she says.

--Matty

Dear Matty: Domestic Bliss Edition

Dear Matty,

I am experiencing some major drama, and it's not because of a guild! Of all the blogs I read, I have yet to find someone in this same position. There are so many posts on simply playing as a girl (or woman, as the case may be) I can't seem to find any that address some basic issues: when your family hates that you play. Now, the situation in my case is my husband and children have been playing for years. Though we have a great marriage and balance, when it came to their game time, I did my own thing, whether it was reading, or my other hobby, cleaning. I kid, of course. The bulk of the domestic chores and organization of the house has always fallen on my shoulders. And here's the thing, in today's world, though women are "liberated" and both bring home salaries, it tends to be the woman's place to even bring up the conversation about domestic duties. But now I play, too, and love it! This game has so much to offer me--much more fun that reading Facebook posts. I went on strike a few weeks ago and said flat out, "No more trips to the grocery store, you all figure it out. I'm done." I ended up with a weeks' worth of hot dogs, white bread, and Mike & Ikes. And the look on their faces! You would have thought I sold my children to gypsies. I never hear about men who say, "Okay, honey, on Tuesdays and Thursday nights I'll make sure the kids are fed, washed, laundry put away, homework's checked, bills are paid, so you can go kill a virtual flame-vomitting monster." The negotiations begin and end with the woman saying "Can we talk?" which tends to leave most men feeling the urge to run off in the wilderness and eat berries and raw bear meat. It's minimally a visceral reaction. I know there are plenty of wives out there who are golf widows, and probably WoW widows, but somehow the double-standard is more painful when the husband is a WoW widower. I really enjoy my friends in Azeroth, and work very hard to maintain my real life responsibilities, but I can't take the hypocrisy anymore. Well, really, I can't stand the guilt anymore. My family has actually been okay and adapted, but the guilt is still there. Am I less of a woman because I play WoW and don't want to empty the dishwasher?

Signed,
Wash-And-Dry Warlock

Dear Wash,
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Why didn't you include a 40-foot pole in your letter? I do not have an answer for you, but here is what I do know: women tend to judge their worth based on the men in their lives. Virginia Wolfe said it, Margaret Atwood has said it, and hell, even my hairdresser said it. This does not mean it's right,  but it happens. And perhaps it is this gender-specific demon that we women are truly fighting after all. We want to be valued, and no one likes to be taken for granted, male or female.

The thing about how we has a society judge women is most assuredly the unspoken rules of what makes a woman a "good" woman: responsible, organized, nurturing, caring, creative, gracious and intelligent. Look at the predominance of women in certain fields, such as teaching and nursing. Much of this predominance has to do with unfortunate societal constrictions on meaningful and well-paid work, and inherent sexism and classism. But in a new world where most women can do what they want to do, these careers still tend to be dominated by women. And even with a high divorce rate, men and women still get married, though their odds are not good. With the hope of marriage becoming what it should be, a contract between two consenting adults, no matter what sexual preference, we as a water-cooler conversational society often wonder what this means in terms of division of labor, because in the past, if you had these bits, you did "x," and if you had those bits, you did "y." Yes, and when you think about it, it's just as ridiculous. I know plenty of couples who are deeply in love and the same gender, and yes, guess what? They too must negotiate and compromise all the time. For those who are single, yes, guess what? They have to negotiate their own responsibilities and priorities all the time. Where it gets muddy for moms is perhaps the guilt of "this is what a mom is supposed to be." You may love or hate the novel, Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman,   Talk about your polemic polearm.

Here is the thing: guilt is a horrible but useful emotion. Steer it and use it. Use it to get the things done that must be done, and it will dissipate like smoke off of an Illidan smoke-bomb in Well of Eternity. I cannot tell you how to negotiate for your play time, versus your domestic responsibilities. But do remember this: time in Azeroth, as joyful as it is, is not the same as what you signed up for as a wife and mother. Azeroth will be there, but babies grow up. But also, it is important to carve out time for yourself, and if you need to do this and take a stand, take it, by all means. This is what keeps mommies happy, because as everyone knows, if momma ain't happy, no one is happy. And yes, it will probably be you who has to bring it up. That's in the fine print somewhere.

Matty

Postscript: And for all you husbands and boyfriends who wish your wives and girlfriends would play, first, be careful what you wish for, and second, what will you do to help them? And I don't mean run them through Scarlet Monastery, I'm talking dishes and laundry and things that require soap.