You are no longer in this instance.
This past week culminated in one of those mentally-drafted posts, and then I shelved it, thinking, "Why dwell on rocky transitions and change? It's pointless."
Basically, I put in my resignation for a job I have on top of my normal job, one which I love, I am amazing at, and it has brought me huge amounts of professional joy.
Thursday morning is a regular meeting, and things have not been great in a while. Personalities have breached my inner wall, bombarding my professional senses too many times to maintain any sort of courtesy or decorum. I even shared my perspective that at least two of the three of them had lost respect for me, and were continually shooting the messenger. I didn't want to be a messenger any more; I wanted my expertise respected. (Yes, I am hearing Cartman's "Respect My Awthoritie" voice in my head now.) The moment you tell someone you believe they have lost respect for you is long past the moment when it's true.
And--the end of all this, I said, repeated again, what would be the wisest course of action. My colleagues looked at me like I had lost my mind. A (male) colleague repeated what I said, and the other (women) colleagues nodded their heads and said, "Oh, you're so right Male Colleague X!"
I had been toying with the idea of resigning from this position, and that nailed it. Composed an e-mail, and off it went. The response wasn't, of course, "Oh, no, please! No one can do this like you can! Please stay! For your years of dedication, service, and above-and-beyond duties, we need you!" It was as reality would dictate: "Sure, let's meet next week and work on the transition of your duties."
So--yeah. Xak asks if I would like to heal a normal Dragon Soul, and sure. I seriously do not know what I was thinking. I forgot to ask for Vent info, rather, just assumed it was a rag-tag bunch, and moved on. They wiped Ultra more times than I can count. They wiped on Blackthorn. Lots of apologies in chat, etc. The rogue asked if Vial of Shadows would be a good trinket for him.
And then -- the spine.
Yes, I caused the wipes--the tank went down, druid waited a long time to battle res (in my opinion), and after the third time of flying off the back, I see the ignominious "You are no longer considered worthy of our time" message.
That stung. They did not realize I wasn't in Vent, and I can just imagine the rage over my not running to a tentacle or whatever the hell I was supposed to do. I see in trade chat the raid leader advertisting for a new healer, and whispered him that I apologize for not asking for the Vent info, and he said "You wiped us three times." I then reminded him they wiped us about eight times prior to that.
Here is where I make my grand mistakes: I take responsiblity for my eff-ups. I did screw up. I should have known they would be in Vent. I should have watched the fights on YouTube. Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. I was fine with paying the almost 200 gold in repair bills for their "wipes," because that's my personality. The exchange was fine, I wished him well, and thanked him; he said, 'One Sec,' but by then, I was trying not to get emotional about it, and am really, really mad at myself. Just because there was never any mention of their missteps does not excuse mine. He may have been wondering to invite me back, he may not have been. Doesn't matter.
I should have gone for a walk, should have stopped "playing" hours ago, and should be should be should be should be doing a million different things besides have teenagers kick me for not standing in a hole. They were right to kick me.
This whole scenario is hitting way too close to real life right now. It is a reminder, one I seem to need constantly, to only take responsibility for myself.
It is naive of me to think this social game would be any different. Money is not made from easy successes, and Blizzard designs the game to be more losses than wins. I guess I wanted my colleagues to understand this, too, that we could make the differences, we can affect change, and we have more power and control than they may otherwise believe. And yet, I would still get argument and grousing.
So, if it is time for fresh horses, in real life or in game, I can tell you right now the real life ones matter. If someone else's voice and stance can make things change for the better, and I have lost my ability to do so, then I guess it is the right thing to do to find other ways to give and serve.
And time to clean out my own stables.
Sugar & Blood Key word search of the century: "squirrel nuts stirring up drama"
Earned it.
Oh Matty :(
ReplyDeleteI see I caught you on the tail of this emotional roller coaster. No wonder you were a bit cranky today (though never at me, you are always impossibly nice to me when I am clearly one of the most whingy people you know!), and after reading this I can understand why. Firstly, emotionally you were on the backfoot after your work issue and unfortunately having a raid like that made it no better. Reading stories like this probably make Ancient petrified. Oh dear, for some reason petrified Ancient sounds so funny I cant' stop laughing now.
Anyway, I shouldn't laugh because this is serious business. And I, myself, am very reluctant to raid or even dungeon outside my own circle of friends and guildies because I fear the sneers of other players. That's until I've done a fight about 5 times. So you are much braver than me, I now you feel stupid right now, but at least you went when asked, and you could have said "Well, I've never healed this outside LFR before" or someone could have told you what you were doing wrong. But they didn't they kicked you and if they didn't tell you what to do or tell u to get in vent well that's half their fault anyway.
And about that other thing we talked about... well, you should do what I do :) I'll tell u in game some time.
Your perspective helps so much, as well as my game buddy-- always good to have friends I can vent with, even if I forgot about Vent.
ReplyDeleteAnd petrified Ancient tickled me too!!
My friends, in game and in life, just tell me not to take it seriously. It's not the game --it''s my own mistakes that make me want to insert head to desk at high velocity. And laughter is the only thing that helps! They were probably telling me what I was doing wrong but I didn't hear them--just like my colleagues. Oh well. For every drop of mana we give, I am sure we get it back hundred-fold.
I'm very sorry to hear about your real life troubles, I can only wish for you to find another job you're great at soon, one that captivates your mind like before and brings you joy - but also one where you'll feel your efforts are noted and appreciated! On the bright side, I don't think there are many people that can say they've professionally been doing what they love, while you've already had that experience. As tacky as it sounds, you know how people say that another door opens when one closes! ;>
ReplyDeleteAbout the pug, I can see the circumstances were unfortunate, but try not to let it affect you much - put people behind a computer and give them anonymity and they will lash it far more furiously than they ever would in real life circumstances. In that sense I think the fact you weren't on Vent made it easier for them to do as they did. The bad thing with these online games, which are supposed to be 'social', is that people far too often forget who is sitting on the other side. Just yet another reminder to be nice(r) to others! Perhaps watch some videos and pug DS with a friend or two, people that know what to do and can explain it well - the first couple of weeks I started raiding I remember being on TS with my guild and seperately on skype with my friend, who would explain exactly what I had to do before and during each boss fight. After a while I got the hang of it and started looking for ways to improve myself or clear out any doubts about tactics I had before - his help really boosted my confidence when I was (finally) able to do it on my own.
Either way, don't lose hope and stay strong - though a day of pouting and some emotional eating (not talking about myself, no, no, not at all) can sometimes do wonders :P
Edit: woah, wall of text inc. No wonder people tell me I talk too much! *nibbles at cracker*
This is a great response, Töki! So--here is what I did: bubble bath, Game of Thrones on Kindle in said tub (haven't dropped it yet! Thought to myself, "Ya think you got troubles? You're not on top of a mountainous wall pouring hot oil and arrows down on men in furs! [note to self: that would be a good way to spend an afternoon, however]) Okay -start over: bubble bath, nap, and walk in linen-fresh May sunshine. We may not get a lot of sun in the Northwest, but damn when we do it is pure honey. One thing especially you said was I have, and still do have, a great job--and not many people can say that. I told my walking companions I am in one of those transitions now, having been through enough of them I recognize it, and know I'll get out the other side, but it's the crossing that hurts. I still have the "other job," but this "meta job" was the career builder.
DeleteUltimately, my fatal flaw is my impulsivity, and it's also one of my greatest strengths. I will jump into the fray and try, take risks, but it can be painful, too. I had my own "Skype" person who was literally, not virtually, nearby, but he was busy playing D3 at the critical mass moment. I know today I'll watch a few videos - I was procrastinating because I was having fun doing other stuff, and thought - how hard could it be? Never learn from successes - only from failures. Thus endeth the lesson.
I did make myself a raspberry lemonade and Grey Goose vodka cocktail, but it was yucky. Good thing I put the tequila bottle out of reach.
I should remember this for one of my rainy days - sounds like a foolproof pick-me-up! (and although you could resist, sharing the tequila bottle with a couple of close friends often garantuees fun tiemz)
DeleteWe can't predict the future, (what say you, Captain Obvious) so there just might be another 'career builder' out there. You seem a lot more cheery in your comment now, it's a good trait when you are able to turn an unpleasant encounter into a positive thought, in other words "learn from your mistakes", as you said.
I AM a petrified Ancient, lol! I'm so sorry that real life and game life colluded in being so crappy for you. Like Navi says you are so much braver than me. I keep game life happy by avoiding anything that could cause possible conflict.
ReplyDeleteSo I've had the same real life experience but if I had both at the same time I'd definitely be out in the garden eating worms AND petrified!
There is a mental image of a marble statue, holding a worm to mouth, of a lovely Druid--don't be scared, Tome - having eaten many a worm in my day, along with crow, words, with egg on my face, etc., start to wonder if I like the taste?
DeleteI'm sorry to hear that Matty. It's hard not just when RL lets us down or things in the game but when both give us pause as to why it's come to that. Nobody likes to be kicked, whether it's our fault or not. There's something to be said about the way things are one in that regard.
ReplyDeleteI know where you're coming from and we don't all have the luxury of being able to rely on people we know or Guildies to only run dungeons/raids or whatever. We do what we can to get things done. I hope things look up for you very soon :)
Thanks, Cymre- it was an interesting moment that reminded me of how little we have in terms of control over others' agendas and motivations. The PUG is a small thing, really, and just a parallel to real life.
DeleteHave to remind myself --I know people hate this -- but it is a game--but that is the beauty of it - I can make up most of the rules as I go along.